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HUNTER LUNCH!  Each few days, JOHN and MARK sit down at lunch with a delicious sandwich and watch HUNTER - one of the best TELEVISION COPS of our GENERATION.
 

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HUNTER LUNCH DAY 15 - Reviewed by JOHN
SEASON 1 EPISODE 15: "GUILTY"
LUNCH: BLOOD SAUSAGE!
EOTD: The parade of rollerskating dorks.
WORKS FOR ME COUNT: Zero? It's really hard to pay good enough attention to this show in order to obtain an accurate count.

Guys so sorry it's taken so long between Hunter Lunches. I had to get a tooth implant removed because it went bad. I had to do full surgery where they knock you out with doctor magic and YOU COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT. During surgery I had terrible dreams that Hunter was the surgeon and he kept eating chili dogs the whole time and they kept dripping into my mouth. Spoiler alert: I recovered and was just fine. It was rough though. I had to eat a lot of soft foods for a week or two so that was kind of an inconvenience. So we're SOOOOO SORRY we haven't done any Hunter Lunches in a while but I've BEEN BATTLING DEATH. Yeah it's moments like that where you really want to pause and think about your life and how many Hunter episodes we haven't seen! 9 seasons worth actually. 9 SEASONS. At this rate this project will take 10 years to finish but WE WILL PERSEVERE BECAUSE WE ARE CHAMPIONS.

Oh yeah also Mark had a baby with my sister.

NOW ON TO THE EPISODE: Beware people who own phones! There is a murderer out there! And he's calling you and whispering "Guilty". What Jaws did for the water this episode is doing for PHONES. Except not at all. The episode starts out great with McCall as a hooker hobo in a full on idiot costume. McCall totally embraces the role of "bum 'tute" and fucks people for garbage. Her and Hunter are undercover (Hunter isn't undercover because he's too cool, I mean cranky) trying to catch a purse thief. Suddenly they get in a karate fight with some guy. He's a full on Swayze with hair and everything and is doing spin kicks on Hunter. Suddenly Hunter knows karate and fights back. I think that movie Karate The Kid must have come out recently and they needed to cash in on it. Also the stunt double for Hunter is hilarious in this scene. You can see his face and everything. You know it isn't Fred Dryer because he actually looks happy. So more stuff happens and we get to the premise of the episode. A bunch of Jury members who convicted a guy keep being murdered and Hunter and McCall are on the case. The guy killing everybody is a black convict who had his throat cut in jail so he can't talk (just whisper "guilty"). At one point in the episode there is the most incredible boring slow pursuit in a mall. The convict is slowly walking, Hunter is slowly walking, McCall is slowly walking and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I just fell asleep typing this. It's actually pretty impressive how boring it is. Like he goes up an escalator, hides behind something, then they can't find him then SURPRISE HE'S NOW ON ANOTHER LEVEL and waves down at Hunter who looks defeated then leaves! It was the mall equivalent of crossing the county line the local cops can't cross to catch the bad guy. I honestly don't remember what else happened in this episode except Hunter jumps off a roof into a pool because he's only happy when he's falling. I predict the last episode is him jumping off a building and smiling for the first time ever on the way down.


On the matter of the people versus Hunter Season 1 Episode 15, on the count of boring, we the jury find the defendant... GUILTY!


Blood sausage, pickles, and potatoes!


McCall dressed undercover as a full on prostitute bum


Hunter undercover as Hunter reading a newspaper.


... while watching a bunch of dorks rollerskating on a stage for 100% no reason at all.


The murderer does that thing where you circle a potential victims name in a phone book. AKA FORESHADOWING.


Hunter in an intense eye situation with the murderer.

 


ONLY IN AMERICA! With BBQ ribs in one hand, and a seltzer water in the other, the boys watched Hunter deliver another mildly entertaining platter of "street justice" with a side order of "jumping off of things".

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 14
SEASON 1 EPISODE 14: THE BEACH BOY
LUNCH: BBQ Ribs, Coleslaw, potato wedges, and RASPBERRY PIE.
EOTD: Every gangster and their stupid nickname
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: Zero? Not sure. We were too busy SALUTING AMERICA.

He hides in the night. He knows where you are. He is the perfect killing machine. He is... the BEACH BOY. What's that? That isn't a scary nickname you say? Well too fucking bad, because that's what the writers chose. They could have called him the Asian Assassin, or the Mexican Mangler (sorry, I can't tell if the bad guy is Asian or Mexican, and I do mean that in the least racisty way possible). But no, they decide to call him the BEACH BOY, and his signature trait is wearing the same goddamn yellow Hawaiian shirt in every scene. It makes no sense. Hawaiian shirts are mostly for slobby guys - occasionally for cool rockin cats - but never for Mexican bodybuilders. The writers are just picking the first thing that comes to their mind. "Mexican guy...uh, hawaiian shirts...oh and he is a bodybuilder....oh and hios trademark is leaving a syringe at every murder for no reason at all." LAZY.

Watch how easy it is to come up with more credible bad guy. I'll do this off the top of my head right now. OK GO. OK, let's take a super skinny guy. OK let's put an eyepatch on him. Good - now lets give him a mohawk. OH, and red rain boots. And he's also on stilts. He's wearing leather shorts. And he carries.. he carries a sack of rocks in a mailmans bag as his little murder weapons. And he has a trash can lid for a shield. Let's call him...SKINNY RANDY THE ROCK GUY. SEE? IT ISN'T HARD! Skinny Randy is way cooler than the fucking BEACH BOY, and I invented him in 15 seconds.

So anyways,the BEACH BOY is killing people and then leaving syringes on them. Not IN them, ON them. Like resting on top of their shirt. It's like his personal, boring trademark. Then the show does the frustrating thing where it cuts to a montage of scenes of hard living on the streets set to shitty 2004 metal since they did not want to pay for "Bad to the Bone" for the DVD. There must be hundreds of Bad to the Bone ripoffs in catalogs for cheap TV shows to use, but instead they use something from an unknown band who probably describes themselves "imagine if Sammy Hagar was in Led Zeppelin - 'nuff said". FUCK. The songs are so horrible and so long, and they really impede the cool shots of liquor stores and burning garbage cans that let me know we are in the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles.

Hunter and his partner go back to the station, and the sergeant yells at them again for no fucking reason. Then they learn that the bad guy is working for 2 other bad guys (or against - I was knee deep in BBQ ribs so little attention was paid to this episode). DON'T WORRY GUYS, THESE BAD GUYS ALSO HAVE SOME SWEET NICKNAMES. Are you ready?

Snazzy Louis Green

Ocean Jimmy

Yeah. What the fuck, right? Snazzy Louis Green is a pretty sweet name - for a bisexual pugilist from 1910. And OCEAN JIMMY? So you're telling me that the BEACH BOY is working for OCEAN JIMMY? Maybe they are in cahoots to MURDER THE FUCKING HUNTER WRITERS THAT GAVE THEM THE WORLDS LAZIEST NICKNAMES. At this point if they had a henchman literally named BAD GUY #1, I would not be suprised.

There is a scene with a lot of bullets, Hunter jumping out of a window for the 400th time this season, and then the BEACH BOY'S car is blown up to UNFORESEEN SMITHEREENS with a well placed bullet to the trunk. Apparently the car is made out of napalm. Hunter and his partner smile, wink at the camera, give a thumbs up, smile again, and then get on their horses, jump over a train, and ride off into the sunset.


USA #7 !!!!


RIBS RIBS, PIE AND PIE, GOOD OL' POTATOES AND A COLE SLAW GUY


THE BEACH BOY


THE TRADEMARK SYRINGE NEAR A SHIRT!


HUNTERS PARTNER DOING HER UNDERCOVER PROSTITUTING THING


HUNTER WIGGLES HIS JAW AT THE BEACH BOY


SNAZZY LOUIS GREEN


SURE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THIS BEACH BOY HAS MANY ***GOOD VIBRATIONS***


OCEAN JIMMY


John felt sick, so we decided to watch Hunter to make him feel better.

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 13
SEASON 1 EPISODE 13: SNOW ANGEL (PART 2)
LUNCH: Nicky D's Cheese Pizza, Arizona Iced Tea, Root Beer
EOTD: PUNK RAWKERZ!
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: ONE. Welcome back shitty catch phrase - we missed you for some reason.

And now for the thrilling conclusion to THE SNOW QUEEN!!! The episode starts off with a fucking drug montage set to "I Want a New Drug" by Huey Lewis. Fuck yeah! Finally they spent a little money to have a song from the original series and not some shitty library music. Next up: ANOTHER MONTAGE! This one features McCall singing at a club (!) while Hunter and NYPD Blue Butt Guy go around busting bad guys and trying to catch the Snow Queen. McCall can sing! Can you believe it? Actually yes you can because in the 80's every single actor had to put out an album or they were kicked out of show business. I highly recommend Bruce Willis's "The Return of Bruno" album or Don Johnson's "Heartbeat". Hunter never put out a full album. Just a 45" with "Chili Doggin" on side A and "Crappy Car Shuffle" on side B. 

Next up NYPDBBG goes belly to belly with Dennis Farina and they have an "accent off" which culminates in them just saying "DICK DICK DICK DICK" inches from each other's faces and Farina wins because he was in Manhunter which I may or may not have gone to see two nights in a row at New Beverly the other week. Then NYPDBBG and Hunter go DEEP INTO THE PUNK UNDERWORLD OF LOS ANGELES! When this happens on TV shows in the 70's / 80's it is THE BEST THING EVER (see Chips & Quincey episodes for more examples). The following things are always present: lots of ridiculous mohawks, embarrassing dialogue and smoke everywhere (literally everywhere. All over the streets, in the clubs, in the bathrooms. In fact just go to an empty area of downtown and use a smoke machine and in a few seconds a group of punk rockers will appear). Hunter and NYPDBBG enter a "NEW WAVE ROCK DANCE CLUB" (Really! Scroll down for photo!) and like every movie and TV show that has this kind of thing the room is jam packed with people all facing different directions and dancing furiously. There is not a single person standing still or talking to another person. Just constant fucking furious dancing in all directions. I would go to clubs if they were like this. I would be the guy just facing a corner and dancing. Hunter goes to the bar and orders a scotch (because everyone knows NEW WAVE PUNK DANCE CLUBS are known for their selections of single malts), then he finally says "WORKS FOR ME" all angry and goes to the bathroom and some punker pulls a knife but guess what punkers? Hunter has a gun! Some crappy words go back and forth. Hunter leaves the club and goes to Canter's and knocks the soup out of Rodney Bingenheimer's hands and asks him where to find the Snow Queen. OK not really but that would have been amazing.  

NYPDBBG gets the punkers to destroy Hunter's already destroyed shitty car. Meanwhile the Snow Queen goes to Dennis Farina and asks for money and tells him to remember all the good times they used to have then Farina says the most depressing line of dialogue ever: "Memories are for losers. They're for people who have nothing going on right now". Ugh! The Snow Queen and the audience at home crawl into a ball on the floor because that is a HORRIBLE THING TO THINK ABOUT. What's even worse is that Hunter didn't even say it. Somewhere off in the distance Hunter heard the sound of a heart breaking and comes to shoot whoever stole his job and shoots NYPDBBG in a pool. Not only does he kill a man but Hunter also manages to ruin someone's swimming pool in the process. WOOOOORKS FOOOORRRRR MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! (me jumping off cliff)


DON'T WORRY SICK JOHN, DR. MARK CAN HELP! TAKE ONE HUNTER EPISODE AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING!


NICKY D'S CHEESE PIZZA


NEW WAVE ROCK DANCE CLUB. THERE ARE SOME GREAT D.I.Y. SHOWS HERE GUYS.


SNOW QUEEN MAKING OUT WITH SOME SCHMUCK

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 12
SEASON 1 EPISODE 12: SNOW ANGEL (PART 1)
LUNCH: Macadamia nut pancakes with maple syrup, Refreshe seltzer water, and way too much fucking coffee
EOTD: BOOBS and BUTTS owners.
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: ZERO. The catch phrase has been completely abandoned.

Welcome to a very special BRUNCH edition of Hunter Lunch. We both put on our Sunday finest and hunkered down with some refreshing beverages to watch POSSIBLY THE MOST AWKWARD EPISODE OF HUNTER YET.

We start with what seems like a 40 minute montage of a lady riding in a bus to LA, passing all of the LA landmarks while looking out the window in awe. WE GET IT, SOMEONE IS MOVING TO LA. The bus montage quickly fades into a shopping montage, where we see the same woman try on all sorts of shitty 80's clothes. WE GET IT, THIS WOMAN NEEDS NEW CLOTHES BECAUSE HER STUPID NEBRASKA CLOTHES AREN'T RADICAL ENOUGH FOR LA. We later learn that this woman is none other than the titular SNOW QUEEN (an from the shopping montage, it appears she has small titulars HEYOOOOO). But before we get to the Snow Queen, we need to address what happens next.

CUT to RICK HUNTER GROCERY SHOPPING. What's so exciting about grocery shopping? FUCKING NOTHING - that is unless it is a SEXY MOTHERFUCKING GROCERY SHOPPING / BUTTS / BOOBS MONTAGE! For the next 77 seconds, the audience is a sexual fly on a very sensual wall, as we watch Rick Hunter squeeze melons while he glances at (...attractive?) ladies in workout clothes parade their 80s bodies around. The whole time Hunter is making creepy smirks and sarcastic smiles. We were honestly waiting for his jaw to drop to the floor and his tongue to slowly unfurl while smoke came out of his ears. The montage ends with Hunter STARING INTENTLY AT A FEMALE ASS and then grabbing a pile of BANANAS. Get it guys, Hunter has a boner!

I think the producers must have heard our complaints that Hunter is not into women. Or men. Hunter is basically asexual in every other episode. He would rather stay home and eat chili dogs than embrace the female form. But all that changes here, as they make it LOUD AND CLEAR that RICK HUNTER REALLY LIKES WOMEN'S BREASTS AND BUTTS AND YEAH FINE EVEN THAT VAGINA AREA.

SPECIAL MULTIMEDIA LINK TO BOOBS AND BUTTS MONTAGE

After this long and awkward montage, the episode behaves in a more traditionally Hunter way. McCall is in deep cover as a prostitute again, involved in a sting operation against the SNOW QUEEN until BOWTIE WESLEY fucks it up by prematurely busting the operation. We go back to the station where Hunter gets yelled at by the black sergeant for no fucking reason yet again (unless buying groceries is a crime). We learn that that one guy from NYPD blue who showed his butt is Hunter's new partner. NYPD Blue guy talks with one of those super annoying New York accents that makes you instantly tune them out, but we do learn that he is a rapey sort of guy who likes to have sex with women, and possibly murder them. He has such sexy lines as "BABE, I'M GONNA HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME GRINDING THE ROUGH EDGES OFF OF YOU". I'm not sure what that really means, but it sure sounds like a RAPE THREAT to me.

At this point in the episode, I had my 5th cup of coffee, and was too busy running laps around the house to pay much more attention to the episode, but I think the rapey guy tries to kill the Snow Queen, but Hunter stops him. Then McCall dresses up like a prostitute again to go undercover at a night club where it was unclear whether she was auditioning to be a singer or a sex slave. The Snow Queen ends up at some super 80's party at DARBY SLASH'S HOUSE (you read that right). DARBY SLASH dies of a drug overdose, somehow we end up on a yacht, Hunter jumping off a ledge, leggings, COFFEE, TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

 


ARE YOU READY FOR BRUNCH?


WE ARE READY FOR BRUNCH!


HERE'S BRUNCH!


MELONS. GET IT?


HUNTER MAKES THIS KIND OF FACE WHEN HE SEES BREASTS


HUNTER MAKES THIS KIND OF FACE WHEN HE SEES BUTTS


HUNTER MAKES THIS KIND OF FACE WHEN HE SEES A VAGINA


HUNTERS NEW PARTNER IS THIS TYPE OF ASSHOLE


MAD. ALWAYS MAD AT HUNTER. FOR NO REASON.


THE SNOW QUEEN. PICTURE BLURRINESS DUE TO USER ERROR DUE TO TOOOOO MUUUUUCH COFFEE.

 

 

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 11
SEASON 1 EPISODE 11: AVENGING ANGEL
LUNCH: Super unhealthy pizza dipping strips with synthetically flavored garlic and marinara sauces, Refreshe soda.
EOTD: Courtroom background glasses man
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: ZERO YET AGAIN...this is getting curious.

We last left off with a CLIFFHANGER!!!! Hunter was going to go on a date with Frances McDormand to get chili dogs! And now for the thrilling conclusion... OH WAIT THERE IS NONE. No reference to it whatsoever. I'm assuming it didn't go well. Hunter probably ate both chili dogs, looked at her, paused, had an opportunity to say "works for me" but instead just turned and left. We're starting to notice Hunter doesn't like women. Don't get us wrong, he dislikes men equally but Hunter is not into what's that thing called... love? The producers are doing their best to throw in opportunities for Hunter to at least pretend to want to have sex with a female human being and despite it being a WRITTEN TV SHOW Hunter somehow manages to fight against it kicking and screaming with his heels dug in the ground. Yup for the first time ever a TV character has a mind of his own and is fighting against the plot of a written eries. We'll get to this later. 


We open on a courtroom where Hunter is on trial for being a total butthole. There is a strange man in the courtroom (other than Hunter) who is secretly recording everything Hunter says because he is OBSESSED WITH HUNTER! Well we can relate to that. We know he is recording him because for a full 10 minutes we see close ups of secret HIGH TECH recording equipment, earbuds, and microphones.  

They go back to the office and hunter goes under a table to do something then looks up and UH OH HUNTER SEES SOME SEXY LADY LEGS! And he acts excited! Hunter reacting to a female! He can't possibly mess this up. Wait yes he can. He gets up and sees it's the opposing attorney from the trial. Garbage comes out of their mouths at each other and nothing sexy happens. Stalker/Fan keeps doing things like murdering people who get in Hunter's way thinking it will make Hunter like him which of course doesn't because Hunter appreciates nothing. Hunter finds out he has a stalker/fan and smashes his telephone right when Black Sargent walks by so he gets his weekly reason to yell at Hunter. Also, Stalker/Fan keeps popping up in really amazing disguises. The kind that would immediately draw attention to him in the normal world but in Hunter World nobody bats an eye at a guy in a giant red jumpsuit and hard hat and sunglasses and ZZ Top beard. 

Since Hunter knows everyplace is bugged he keeps doing a thing where he'll turn a radio up really loud so nobody can hear what he's saying but then he just talks louder than the music so it completely defeats the purpose. He does the same thing in another scene by turning on a shower, a sink, and then yells a conversation at Hooker Partner. The producers try and make Hunter love one more time when they make Hunter and Sexy Attorney kiss to make Stalker/Fan jealous. Hunter hates it and everything until the end when Stalker/Fan opens his shirt to show a bomb and Hunter gladly throws him out the window and he explodes. Then for a brief moment the sides of hunter's mouth slightly quiver and with great difficulty begin to move upwards to make a ... no wait they went back down. False alarm everybody! Hunter didn't smile! Get back to work! 

Oh and at the very very end Hunter agrees to go on a double date with Hooker Partner, her fuckface boyfriend and Sexy Attorney. Don't worry, he complains about having to spend $60 to buy groceries so we all know how this night is gonna end. 

It's gonna end with Hunter being a fucking buttfucker and ruining everything.


PIZZA DIPPIN STRIPS WITH DIPPIN SAUCE DUO!


IT'S NOT DELIVERY, IT'S GARBAGE!


SUPER EXCITED!


DISGUISES!


SURVEILING ON THE SLY


BOMB INGREDIENTS: ONE KITCHEN TIMER, TWO TANGLED WIRES, ONE LED LIGHT


EXTRA OF THE DAY: NOBLE, VALIANT COURTROOM EXTRA

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 10
SEASON 1 EPISODE 10: THE GARBAGE MAN
LUNCH: Gigantic sandwich, gigantic FUNIONS, gigantic soda of GRAPE persuasion
EOTD: The zookeeper carrying a lions head
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: ZERO AGAIN...What's going on???

In this very special HUNTER, Al Bundy guest stars as a goofy butthole parole officerwho murders everyone and breaks things with a battering ram. They call him THE GARBAGE MAN, and his sunglasses are better than yours.

Al Bundy hates everyone, so he started killing parolees while saying garbage related phrases like "TIME TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH" and "IT'S COLLECTION DAY". Hunter and Al Bundy have several encounters where they puff up their chests and wear big sunglasses while mumbling tough sounding things that don't really make sense. Hunter is very excited to finally have someone he can talk trash to.

A bunch of slow, boring car "chase" scenes happen, and Hunter wrecks another of his piece of shit cars. He drives a different late 70s model car each episode, and I can't tell if these are part of how own personal shitty fleet, or if they are police issued cars. All I know is, they are those shitty kind of cars where the engine falls out when you close the door. Anyways, Hunter eventually catches Al Bundy and after a very boring standoff, he shoots Al Bundy in the heard and throws him in the garbage, and then says something about trash like "GET RID OF THIS TRASH".

Then they go back to the station so they can do all that wacky stuff that happens right before the credits... LIKE A ZOOKEEPER WALKING AROUND WITH A LIONS HEAD. I think this extra must have been on the wrong set. It must be a good day, because the black sergeant does not feel like yelling at Hunter. And, is love in the air???.....

HUUUUUNTER HAAAAAS A GIRRRRRRLFRIEND! The whole episode, McCall has been trying to set Hunter upon some awful blind date. So at the end of the episode, Hunter dolls himself up in a fancy suit and is armed with the saddest pot of dead flowers you ever did see. Literally 5 wilting daisies mashed into a ball of tin foil.McCall tells Hunter that the blind date was cancelled, and Hunter goes in the corner of the station and kicks a rock like a sad boy. Then FRANCES MCDORMAND walks in and asks Hunter if he would like to go eat a CHILI DOG with her. WOULD HE WOULD HE?!! The two lovebirds walk off into the sunset, and I can only imagine that they spend the next two hours eating chili dogs and making sweet, sweet Hunter love (the kind where you jump off the dresser into bed really fast while a fast and sexy version of the Hunter theme song plays).


BIG BOYS LIKE BIG TOYS, OK?!


THE GARBAGE MAN - JOHN PAY ATTENTION!


AL BUNDY AND A "BEER"


ROUND ONE OF THE SUNGLASSES-OFF WAS A CLEAR VICTORY FOR AL BUNDY


HUNTER RESISTS HIS URGES TO CLIMB THIS SHED AND JUMP OFF IT


ZOOKEEPER WITH LIONS HEAD


SHIT FLOWERS


A CHANCE ENCOUNTER BETWEEN 2 CHILI DOG LOVERS

 

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 9
SEASON 1 EPISODE 9: SHOOTER
LUNCH: Swiss and turkey on wheat, BUGLES CHIPS, string cheese, and a chocolate peanut butter ice cream for dessert, because DAMMIN HONEY, WE DESERVE IT
EOTD: The old man in the "video game".
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: ZERO (are they finally abandoning this catch phrase?)

This episode is about a guy who drives around on a motorcycle killing cops. Cool? I don't know. I was too distracted by the horrible song they kept playing throughout the episode. No not the Hunter theme (that rules!), but the cop killer guy's theme. See they did this thing that's a pet peeve of mine. When it originally aired on TV they used a popular song then when the DVD came out they didn't want to pay royalties so they replaced the song with something similar (or in this case, something that sounds NOTHING LIKE IT AT ALL). After doing some research (googling for 10 seconds) I found out the original song was Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones. The replacement? A horrible stock music NU METAL song and they play it about 6 times in full throughout the episode. Don't tell me there isn't an imitation stock version of Sympathy For The Devil they could have used. The lyrics to the replacement song are "the misery comes in waves" and that's how the viewer feels every time they hear the song. You also can't listen to the song without imagining the faces the band is making while playing. God this kind of fucking music didn't even exist back then. Remember that? When this crap didn't exist? Life was good. Also not that Rolling Stones need the extra money but not paying bands for royalties punishes them by not paying them and us by having to listen to crappy knockoff songs by the musical equivalent of scabs. 

Anyways so this cop killer kills a cop western style by going up to him and saying "at the count of 3, draw" and holds his hand over his gun in his holster. Then while the guy slowwwwwly counts "1.......2..." the cop is all "Huh? What? What's going on?" & goofballing around when even a child would know HEY ITS GUNFIGHT TIME YOU DICKHOLE. He gets shot then the killer puts his cigarette out on the ground (remember this) and drives off to the horrible song. Where's Hunter? Oh he's off chasing around a gay black guy in drag because in the 80's this was the height of comedy. Then Hunter goes to the crime scene and immediately finds the cigarette butt (remember from before?) and looks at it and concludes it was a guy on a motorcycle. 

Some stuff happens, the killer puts a cigarette out in a fish tank to show off what a badass he is then goes to the bar to play his favorite video game which is a gun shooter game. However when they cut to the game it's a crappy hand drawn picture. No video game has ever looked like that. Ever. Just look at the photo. Hunter tells his Hooker Partner "All girls like margaritas" and gives her a margarita then walks over and challenges the bad guy to play him at the game. Then after challenging him he fucking asks the bad guy to pay. HUNTER! Act like a human! Later hunter makes his partner pay for 25 cent coffee. 

Oh did I mention the bad guy looks like a knockoff Don Swayze? Not Patrick, but his brother Don (check out my favorite movie of his Money To Burn. There's a rollerblading montage!!!!). Also they keep mentioning that the killer is using "silicone bullets" and how dangerous they are to cops. Was this a big thing in the 80's? Like a hot topic they decided to write into an episode to be relevant? I'd do some research but I don't have any more quarters to put into the internet because HUNTER BORROWED THEM ALL. 

The episode ends with Hunter chasing the guy on motorcycles then having a gunfight. Then back at the station that DILLWEED with a bow tie brings in the hilarious black gay guy in drag who then kisses him and sets up Hunter to say "Works for me!" but instead Hunter just turns to the camera, shrugs, and farts. WHATEVER. I'm over this episode.


BUGLES CHIPS MAKE EVERYTHING GREAT!


ICE CREAM TOO!


Shooting our guns, JUST LIKE RICK HUNTER


Step 1: Insert black cross-dresser for comic relief.


The world's worst picture of a cigarette in a fish tank.


Ladycop hitting on a man who is far more interested in playing video games than touching ladies.


Remember when video games looked like this? It's ok, NO ONE DOES.


Spet 2: Repeat if necessary.


HUNTER LUNCH DAY 8 - This very special edition of HUNTER LUNCH was conducted while flying in a real airplane!
SEASON 1 EPISODE 8: HIGH BLEACHER MAN
LUNCH: Cliff bar, one Altoid mint, tea, string cheese.
EOTD: There were a couple of good moustaches in this episode, but honestly, nothing stood out
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: 1

Guys, today HUNTER LUNCH has reached NEW HEIGHTS! As a thank-you to our fans for helping us acheive ONE THOUSAND HITS, we decided to return the favor by reviewing this episode while on an airplane from Missoula, MT to Salt Lake CIty, UT, which, according to ancient Native American lore, is the ultimate form of gratitude.

A recurring theme in all Hunter episodes is that Hunter's seargeant is never pleased with Hunter's work. This is a staple of many cop shows (Lethal Weapon, Dirty Harry, etc), but the problem is that HUNTER NEVER BREAKS ANY RULES AND ALWAYS CATCHES THE BAD GUYS. Dirty Harry was always shooting bad guys in the dick before reading them their rights. Unless jumping off of things is a crime, Hunter has done absolutely nothing wrong, yet he constantly gets yelled at.

Hunter and his ladycop spend the entire episode protecting a bumbling, beer-swilling, stained-shirt wearing butthole from a classy mobster. His name is Gavin, and he looks like he fell asleep in a storm drain after getting kicked out of a Jimmy Buffet concert for eating his burritos too loudly. Gavin is in witness protection, which apparently means that Hunter and McCall have to fix him elaborate breakfasts and buy him Coors. Hunter honestly goes on several beer-runs, but acts like he is a tough-ass since he bought Gavin a six pack instead of twelve.

The mob wants to kill Gavin, because Gavin is going to squeal on Demorest, who is the president of the Mob. A bunch of highly unlikely shit happens, and the Mob finds the safe house, and fills it with bullets and it blows up. HOWEVER, since Hunter is a genius, he rigged up the curtains with a piece of string that only made it LOOK LIKE he and Gavin were inside when actually they were safely hiding in the bushes. Hunter then (1) defeats the entire Mob, (2) saves McCall and (3) another witness, and (4) saves that annoying WESLEY (bowtie cop) from Gavin. Yet after all this, his seargeant is pissed off FOR NO REASON, and tells Hunter if he ever makes a mistake, he is off the force. HUNTER, WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK UP AND DEFEND YOURSELF!


AIRPLANE LUNCH


JOHN IS THROWING UP BECAUSE HE IS ALLERGIC TO BAD PLOTS


I JUST WANTED YOU TO SEE THE TINY SCREEN WE WERE LOOKING AT


THERES OUR COKE AND PRETZELS


|GAVIN PEEKING AROUND

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 7
SEASON 1 EPISODE 7: DEAD OR ALIVE
LUNCH: Lunchables! (we also had some leftover rice because, for some reason, a meal designed for a 6 year old was not filling)
DRINK: Dr. Dynamite
EOTD: We forgot to look for an extra because we were too excited!
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: 1 (...we think. Hunter is getting lazier and lazier with this. We predict by Season 2 his catch phrase is just going to be making a jerk off motion while rolling his eyes)

<P> <INTERNET ON> Today we watched a VERY SPECIAL episode of Hunter because the guest star was WINGS FUCKING HAUSER. Do you know who he is? You don't? Well come over to my house because I own a fuckton <br br> of his movies on VHS. My favorite is Vice Squad where he plays a killer pimp named RAMROD and I'm pretty sure he injured every person he had a scene with in that movie. In <p> <p> one scene the cops have their guns drawn on him and he just keeps screaming and threatening them WHILE hitting a woman in the head with a stool. It's insane. Actually forget that invitation to come over. I just watched that pretty recently. 

Anyways so Hunter does something at the beginning. I can't remember what because I was so excited to be eating Lunchables and off brand soda. Hunter says "Fine I'll go get my partner" and of course she's off hookering. I think she takes this a little too far. Like it looks like this is what she does on the weekend. But I guess that's her thing. Hunter likes being a butthole and she likes being a hooker. Such is life. They go to get some bad guy who is an indian and is dressed like an indian. Hooker Partner goes upstairs while I shit you not, Hunter goes outside and looks around for something he can jump off of onto the bad guy. <P> <BR> <P> The bad guy is in his apartment watching cartoons because if there's one thing Hollywood knows about bad guys, it's that BAD GUYS LIKE TO WATCH CARTOONS. This happens all the time in 80's movies and TV shows. Are they going for a "Ha ha this man is a criminal but he likes children's things" joke? Or were cartoons a big thing in the criminal underworld? Anyways he jumps out the window to make Hunter jealous that someone else got to jump off a high place and then is about to shoot Hunter but then BLAM! Wings Hauser shoots him. Instead of thanking him Hunter goes over and acts like a jerk. Wings acts like a jerk back but also slides off the top of a dumpster in a really rad way which is just fucking amazing because nothing makes a cool guy look cooler than using trash as a prop. It's like turning a toilet around and sitting on it cool guy style to talk to some teenagers. 

The two don't get along because Hunter is jealous of his cowboy outfit and rad car and how he was in a bunch of late 80's early 90's action movies and he wasn't. Then later Hunter and Hooker Partner want to break into Wings's hotel room but don't have a warrant so they take 10 minutes to illegally trick a maid into letting them in. OK 2 things here: 1) Pretty sure that wouldn't hold up in court either. 2) Everything on Hunter is done in REAL TIME to fill space. Like if he says "Let's go to the car" for the next 5 minutes THEY WALK TO THE CAR. Once you notice it, a whole new comedy level is added to watching Hunter because it happens a lot. Like for most of every episode. <br><p><>

Next up is a montage of Wings Hauser going around bars beating people up and it is the best thing ever. He looks like he's made of cocaine. If I had a time machine I wouldn't go back and stop 9/11 or see dinosaurs. I'd go to the 80's so I could go out cocaining with Wings Hauser around Los Angeles. Hunter and HP arrive at the bars and the aftermath they walk into in each one is everyone just sitting there looking sad and beat up with no music on while the bartender sweeps up the broken glass. And it looks like they've just been doing that for hours. So awesome. 

Eventually they catch up to him and Wings & Hunter have a dickfight over who's the toughest and then there's a car chase and Hunter shoots him in THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN TV HISTORY because they could have had him as the bad guy in every episode and it would have made the show a million times better. Oh also after he shoots him Hunter walks over and stands looking down at him while this crappy upbeat country song plays and it goes on for way too long to the point where after it finally cut away we both looked at each other all excited like "You just saw that, right?". 

Then the episode gets wrapped up like always: they get yelled at by the chief for solving a crime, there's a car joke, everyone farts, freeze frame, credits. 

</INTERNET OFF>


DEAD OR ALIVE (note - that mustang hood ornament gets more screen time than Hunter in this episode)


LUNCHABLES AND DR. DYNAMITE (not affiliated with Dr. Pepper - nope no way)


FUCK.


WINGS HAUSER SMILING LIKE A BEAUTIFUL CREEP!


HUNTER LOOKING REALLY HARD FOR SOMETHING TO JUMP OFF OF

 

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 6
SEASON 1 EPISODE 6: PEN PALS
LUNCH: Chicken and swiss on wheat bread, Ruffles chips, teeny apple, small square of dark semi-sweet chocolate
DRINK: Refreshe seltzer water (none more refreshing!)
EOTD: Sensual blonde villain with a half-buttoned jail shirt
"WORKS FOR ME" COUNT: 2 (both completely out of context)

I was about to shit all over this episode for having the title "Pen Pals". You see, at the beginning of the episode, Hunter is reading a letter from his uncle (his "PEN PAL" if you will). The scene lasts maybe one minute (in which we learn that Hunters uncle is a flasher, but I digress) and there is no more reference to his uncle or letters for the rest of the episode. SO WHY DO THEY CALL THIS EPISODE PEN PALS? Then it hit me. In this episode, Hunter goes to jail (SPOILER ALERT - HE GETS OUT). And one of jail's cute nicknames is THE PEN. And Hunter makes a PAL in there. PEN PAL.

You guys, this is a great reminder that Hunter is a much deeper show than we sometimes give it credit. It's not just about a half-assed Dirty Harry running around with his somewhat attractive partner eating chili dogs. The show has much deeper levels. Story lines that we may notice only with our subconscious. Plot lines that we may feel in our heart, but not be able to fully explain with mere words.

ANYWAYS - this episode is about Hunter eating chili dogs in jail. THATS RIGHT, not only does Hunter go to jail, but of course he finds a way to get CHILI DOGS in PRISON. The whole mixup starts out with Hunter and the ladycop driving around in the ladycop's CHERRY RED COOL CAR. They come across a high school kid who is flailing around like a monster while fellow students take turns mocking and helping him. It turns out this kid got a hold of some "bad dope" - most likely A JOINT LACED WITH PCP. The whole JOINT LACED WITH PCP scenario was the #3 scare in the 1980s, ranking below satanic cults (#1) and getting murdered for flashing your brights at a car with no headlights on at night (#2). Why would a drug dealer secretly lace your marijuana with PCP? Doesn't PCP cost more than marijuana? I understand cutting cocaine with baking powder, but what kind of criminal is going to add a free PCP topping to a marijuana pizza?

Anyways, they investigate the case, the bad guys think they are getting too close to solving it, so they steal Hunters gun while he is helping some lady fix her car, murder a bad guy Hunter hates, replace the gun while Hunter is napping, and so Hunter gets blamed and goes to jail where he lives next to Zod's sidekick from Superman. Hunter immediately teams up with a small crispy jailhouse nerd who has access to all the chili dogs Hunter can eat. A whole bunch of boring stuff happens, and then Hunter beats up a couple of jailhouse gangs (even the infamous Half-Buttoned-Up-Shirt Dudes). The final fight scene suprisingly does not involve Hunter jumping off of anything (it's a 1-story jail). All of the fights take place while Hunter is wearing the shortest shorts ever. Oh, and his PEN PAL dies when he opens a booby trapped book that turns out to be a huge bomb that blows him completely apart while everyone is looking right at him.


PEN PALS!


The lunch picture is always upside down


Door chains do not work when the person can just walk right in.


Sex clowns.


The least-tough tough guy.

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 5
SEASON 1 EPISODE 5: FLIGHT ON A DEAD PIGEON
Lunch: CHILI DOGS from Chili John's!!!! (Hunter would be so proud!)
Drink: Refreshe seltzer water
EOTD: Carlos Santana / Mexican Kid Rock 
"Works For Me" Count: 0


Has it been 5 episodes already? Jesus Christ it feels like at least 7. Ok so today's episode is about a fat 60 year old guy who's best friends with a shitty little girl on a bike and they are into pigeons. OK makes sense because that's actually pretty common, right? I remember when I was a little girl and my best friend was a drunk old fat guy and we played with pigeons on his roof. So it turns out he's using pigeons to deliver heroin <br> <font><font> which sounds like THE WORST way you could possibly deliver heroin (unless he built a train set that delivers heroin) .

So bad guys turn against fat guy and throw his stunt double off the roof. Meanwhile Hunter hates kids (because he hates EVERYONE apparently), and makes her cry. Once again Hunter has a crappy car. Not Hooker Partner though, her car is CHERRY. It's some kind of hot car but I know nothing about cars. It's a red one. Does that help? Speaking of cars, at one point a bad <p> <br> <boobdude=p> guy is trying to run away from them and gets into his car and tries to start it then Hooker Partner appears at the window and shows off that she took out the car's octopus so it wouldn't run. Just look at the photo. Hunter eats a chili dog and his partner rolls her eyes because women HATE chili dogs apparently. Or maybe she hates seeing Hunter enjoy things because he's an asshole. Oh also did <p><p><p> I mention a couple episodes in they just replaced the angry police chief with another black actor? Actually it's John Amos a kick ass character actor who should really be the star of the show. But did they really didn't think we would notice it wasn't the same black guy? WORKS FOR ME!

So as usual the chief is all yelly at Hunter & HP and thinks their plan is crazy even though they are consistently right and literally solve a crime a day and are probably the best cops on the force despite being a pair of shits. Some stuff happens and of course Hunter jumps down on the bad guy from a second story at the end because he loves jumping off things onto people because that's what gives Hunter a boner.. Then that DILLWEED Wesley and his bow tie show up and he gets bit on the finger by a pigeon because comedy. Hunter doesn't say his catch phrase once but at the end he points at the girl and says "Works for her!" all angry. Because he's a goddamn son of a bitch. <br internet> <end>


This is a weird title.


We ate chili dogs - JUST LIKE HUNTY!


Just look at this piece of shit.


HI, I'M A BAD GUY. YOU CAN TELL BY MY EYEBROWS.


Oh hey dummy, don't think you'll be getting anywhere without your car's octopus.


CHILI DOG!


He really hates Hunter.


Carlos Santana or the Mexican Kid Rock? Only god knows.


OH WESLEY! You're SUCH a FUCKUP.

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 4
Season 1 Episode 4: LEGACY
Lunch: Chicken and Swiss cheese on wheat bread, 2 strawberries, 1 apple, Ruffles chips
Drink: Refreshe seltzer water
EOTD: Crusty punk denim punk rocker who looks directly at the camera.
"Works for Me" count - 2

This episode was much better than yesterday's. THANK GOD. OK, so it starts off with a sleazy yet sensual looking Italian guy named Michael Vincent driving his YELLOW PORSCHE like a complete asshole. He then goes inside his mobster mansion and STRAIGHT UP SHOOTS HIS DAD IN THE FACE. That's right, this episode did not waste any time. Now Michael Vincent is the head of the mob family - but too bad his girlfriend saw the whole thing. <p><p><div>

BOWTIE WESLEY makes a comeback and after investigating the case, he says that the Big Mozerella (yes, that's the Mob Boss's name) was probably killed by some vagrant or criminal - case closed.... NOT! </bold> Hunter knows better. Even though his police chief (who has mysteriously changed into a Black gentleman) wants the case closed, Hunter BREAKS THE RULES AND GETS TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS CASE SINCE EVERY SINGLE LEAD WORKS OUT. His best detective work is when close inspection of a cupboard full of tuna leads Hunter to the exact houseboad the witness is hiding in. Probable. Eventually Michael Vincent gets shot by his brother or cousin or something.

Other notable moments are when the ladycop calls Hunter by the precious nickname "Hunty", Hunter trying to look tough by casually tossing a peach pit at a mob boss, and Hunter CALLING A LANDLINE TELEPHONE WITH A CB RADIO. </html><p><p>


OUR LUNCH


US!


FLIPPING OFF HUNTER'S SHITTY CAR


SHITTIEST BURGLAR MASK EVER


FIGHTING IN A PILE OF FISH LIKE A COUPLE OF CHILDFREN


EXTRA STARING RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA'S SOUL


BOWTIE WESLEY GETTING BEAT UP BY A LOBSTER!

HUNTER LUNCH DAY 3
Season 1 Episode 3: A Long Way From LA
Lunch: 1 Del Taco© Chicken Soft Taco & 1 Bean & Cheese Burrito each. 
Drink: Refreshe Seltzer Water
EOTD: NONE. There were hardly any extras (a hint to how bad this episode was)
Works For Me's: 2

<p> </br>Guys this was NOT a good episode of Hunter. It just wasn't good for a lot of reasons but mainly because it wasn't set in LA. LA is the life's blood of this series. It's people and it's trash and it's crime is what makes Hunter the TV series it is. Anyways so Hunter and his Hooker Partner leave LA to go to Fart, Texas (which is really just Agoura Hills) to pick up a fugitive. They pick the guy up from jail then to no surprise Hunter's shitty car breaks down. So far he's had a different car in each episode and every one has been a complete piece of shit. <p> <p> </br>

You know what else is a piece of shit? Hunter's catch phrase. Let's talk about that for a minute. It's "Works for me!". How fucking lazy do you have to be for THAT to be your catch phrase? You're supposed to be a tough guy. Is this really your "Go ahead make my day" or your "I'll be back"? At this rate why not just make your catch phrase "fine" or "whatever!" and throw your hands up in the air. I'm thinking maybe there was a miscommunication in a Hunter pitch meeting where someone was throwing out catch phrase ideas like "you're about to get HUNTED!'" or "Hunter gonna fuuuuuck" and the executive producer, who's up to his waist in 80's cop shows and is tired of it all, just shrugged and said "Works for me!" then went back to shoving meatballs into his mouth and they thought that meant THAT should be his catch phrase.

<b>Anyways so they're driving down the freeway <\b> and the car breaks down while the fugitive sings the "bottles of beer" song because that's what human beings do. Then this episode turns into a 1980's throwback to the 1970's cinema genre of "Sweaty Corrupt Sheriff in the South Hates Outsiders" and the evil Sheriff comes alone with his big dumb shiny sunglasses and arrests all of them. Then the fugitive escapes from jail and gets chased by a bunch of guys with hound dogs because THE SOUTH. The Sheriff turns out to be the son of the much talked about "Mr. Eastman" who runs the town and wears abalone jackets and keeps sending his son out to get him more mustache. Some other shit happens but it's not worth mentioning because as I said, this was not a good episode. Hunter's Hooker Partner gets punched at one point and there is one car crash. <\end>


WE'RE A LONG WAY FROM L.A. GUYS

 


OUR LUNCH (WE DESTROYED OUR DEL TACO BEFORE WE COULD SNAP SOME CANDID SHOTS


MR. EASTERLAND'S ABALONE JACKET

HUNTER LUNCH - DAY 2
SEASON 1 EPISODE 2 - "THE HOT GROUNDER"
LUNCH: Honey ham on wheat; Ruffles; Apple; Refreshe Soda
EOTD: THe fluffy headed bad-ass bodyguard (see picture 3 above)
EOTD Runner up - Suspicious diner in picture 4

This was a great episode, as there are a lot of TWISTS and TURNS.  It starts off with a super rich guy practicing tennis with his coach.  He is old and sort of fat, but his wife is quite a looker.  All of the sudden, his wife gets in a car, and the car EXPLODES!!!!<p><br>.

Hunter is QUICK to get on this case.  We soon learn that the rich guy is the police commissioner (that explains why he is so rich).  Also his tennis coach, whose name is Lance, is a homosexual.  Because of Hunters awesome detective work, we learn that the police commissioner was having sex with his coach (also a gay!) and that his wife wanted a divorce.  Rather than grant her a divorce, the commissioner blew her up with a bomb.  At the end of the episode a couple of more cars explode.  The shootout follows in traditional Hunter format (Hunters ladycop yells freeze, both parties exchange missed shots, and someone throws something heavy and everyone ends up in jail).

In this episode, we can finally confirm HUNTER'S CATCH PHRASE!  He has said this phrase 2 times in episode 1, and 4 times in episode 2.  Are you ready for this?  His catchphrase is "WORKS FOR ME".  So tough.  THE END <BR><BR></HTML>


A COUPLE O' HOT GROUNDERS, REPORTING FOR DUTY


FUCKING DELISH


FLUFFIEST BODY GUARD IN THE WEST


SUSPICIOUS DINER DOES NOT LIKE HUNTER'S PURSE

Hunter Lunch- DAY 1
Season 1 Episode 1: Hard Contact

Lunch: Bologna sandwiches on white bread with Doritos © Cool Ranch Chips and apples
EOTD (Extra of the day): The fat guy neighbor at the beginning.   

Let's start this first one <p> off with a little description of the show. The show is called Hunter and stars Fred Dryer as Hunter. His character is basically a poor man's Dirty Harry so let's just call him Messy Fred from now on. He's a cop in LA and stuff happens. Ok now that we have that out of the way ON TO THE EPISODE! <br> <br> It starts out with Messy Fred being assigned a new partner. No wait. It started out with some lady being beaten by some guy so Messy Fred's hooker partner runs over to help her. Meanwhile Fred Hunter is being assigned a new partner who is a TOTAL DILLWEED WITH A BOWTIE! To no surprise they don't get along. They try to catch taggers but instead UH OH ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ John fell asleep for part of the episode!!! I think it was the <p><p></b> bologna and Doritos © Cool Ranch Chips that put him to sleep. A bunch of stuff happens and then at the end Freddy's hooker partner gets shot so he throws a chair through a window and jumps down on the bad guy from the second story and solves The Case of The Bad Guy. Oh there was also a car chase at one point!!!! <b> THE END </b> 
LETS START THIS OFF GUYS!


OUR LUNCH


THE MARCH CENTERFOLD FOR BEATEN WOMEN MONTHLY

 
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